In two days, I will be evaluated on having Aspergers or not. I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing. There is a part of me that has sensed in my gut that this is me and part of me that wonders if I am just making this all up. Some friends have seen aspects of Aspergers in me and others see nothing.
At times, I feel like a hypochondriac. But I guess part of me wants to have some way to understand my life . Why was it so hard for me to find meaningful work? Why am I not good at interviewing? Why has my job history been so crazy? Why has my calling as a pastor been so unfulfilling? Why has dating been so hard for me?
For a long time, I have blamed myself or have wondered if this was just racism. But I think there is more going on here. At least, I wonder.
I remember my first pastoral position as a youth minister. I remember how horrible that went. Whenever I went to talk to the Senoir Pastor, I would come into the room while she was working and remained silent until she looked up at me. For some reason, that bothered her and she noted it on several occasions. For me, it made no sense to just come into a room and start talking, so I would wait until she was ready.
It was also hard for me to really connect with the youth. Actually, it's hard to connect with people period. It's not for lack of trying or not caring, it's just difficult- it always has been. The gladhanding that is in some cases a part of being a minister, is just not there for me and I don't see the need for it.
And I think that has got me into trouble. I'm learning that being able to be sociable helps pastors and can cover a mulitiude of sins. Since I don't seem tohave that skill, it has only highlighted my sins.
So, it sounds bad, but I do hope I have Aspergers. It might help shed light on things and help me to determine where to go from here.