A friend called today and we chatted about life. He told me about the good things going on in his ministry as a church musician. At some point we chatted about me and I shared my ongoing frustrations. I told him I wanted to be serving in a church in some form. He responded by saying that maybe if I worshipped with Daniel, my partner, I could do somethings at his church (as a lay member).
I know my friend meant well, but I was mad at those words. I responded by saying that I wanted to serve as a pastor, not as a member, which is what I have been doing for a while.
I was mad because I felt like whatever gifts I have for ministry were belittled and as usual, I felt that I was not taken seriously.
I know this sounds like I'm on some ego trip, but I'm not. It's not that I want a full time job with benefits, or that I need to have the title. It's just that I felt called to ministry, even though I didn't want it initially. I felt God had called me. So, I go to seminary and the result is, no one sees me. I feel at times, that there is no room for me in the church-at least not to be a pastor.
For me, this is about feeling set apart to serve God and I don't what that is.
In the Presbytery, there is a candidate for Minister of Word and Sacrament that has an interesting ministry and background. Dean has a background in theatre and has sought to blend his love of stage with his love of God. The end result is that the Presbytery is going to ordain him as a Minister of Drama and a local church is going to be there to support him spiritually.
I wish I had that in my life. I wish I could connect with some church and that they could support me in doing some endeavor. Maybe it's to start an alternative worship service or plant a church. I'm not asking necessarily for a paid position, just a place where I feel that the people have ordained me to do some specific task.
And that's really what it comes down to- I have never felt ordained by the people. I know God has ordained me, but God's community? Well, at times I don't think they know what to do with me, so they just don't deal with me.
I've enjoyed doing supply preaching. But I wish that I could do more.
I'm tired of having to fight for simple recognition. There are times that I wonder if I should just turn in my stole and give up.
I know this is a downer of a post and I'm whining a lot. But I don't care right now.