Who would have ever thought I'd be relating to a Michael W. Smith song?
Today has been a rough day emotionally. I think it's because I don't know my place, my calling as a pastor. I know that I am not going to fit into the usual molds.
I've been doing a lot of discernment and also thinking back over the last six years and how what very well could be Aspergers has affected my ministry. I know that came out wrong. I'm not trying to blame my supposed condition, I just think that if it is true, then my navigating in a culture like church where there are so many emotional cues has been difficult and could be the reason I have had some issues.
The problem is that churches are places that thrive on what is unspoken. They also thrive on social interaction, something that I have had a hard time figuring out. And yet, I feel called to this.
The thing is, I think that I am good at being a pastor, but not the kind of pastor that people expect. I can preach well. I love planning worship services. I love coordinating things like mission events. I can see the church as a mechanism or organism that can be improved.
The downsides is that too often, I have said what I felt or just done something without realizing that there are proper channels (that are unspoken, of course).
Which is why I don't think I could ever be a Senior or solo pastor. I don't have the skills needed. The funny thing is that I love all the admin stuff. If a church needed a pastor that handled Administration stuff, I would love it. But you need to have a large church for that, probably.
At some point I will probably meeting with a pastoral career counselor to plot out my course. I will do this after I have the test to find out if I have Aspergers (which is in mid-May). Maybe then I can figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up.