Yesterday, I attended the ordination of a fellow pastor. I'm glad I did go, but I was tempted not to go. In the end, I did and I'm glad I did, but the whole experience left me with questions about finding my own call.
The person in question is currently the pastor of a church south of the Twin Cities. There was part of me that felt a bit down on myself- the fact that six years after ordination, all I have to show for it is a lot of failure.
Of course, that isn't all true. Even though Community of Grace closed, it still made a difference in people's lives. But there is still that persistent feeling of not living up to expectations, of feeling that I have been a grave dissapointment.
In many ways, I am still trying to figure out my calling. I feel like I'm flailing and trying to find out, but nothing has been made clear.
Despite all these feelings, I put on my robe and sat with all the other ministers and laid hands on the ordinand. It felt good to do that, even though the way for me has been murky and unclear.
We sang the usual song of call, "Here I Am." It's a moving song and I believe we sang it at my ordination. In the year since Community of Grace closed, I feel that I am still saying that to God and wondering if God has anything in store for me yet. I just hope there is room in God's kingdom for someone as messed up as myself to work in the fields.
Here I am, Lord.