One of the things that I've been doing is taking part in a venture to get a Young Adult Ministry off the ground. It's called Come Thirsty and it's the result of a conversation among mostly United Church of Christ young pastors and myself. It's a joint UCC/Disciples project.
I've been helping out, designing the website and such and there are some good things about it. I would have like this to be a new church start, but that wasn't in the cards, at least with this group at this time, so if I want to do that I need to find others that are receptive to it.
I will see where this leads. Who knows, it might be what I need, though right now it doesn't seem like it.
Anyway, if you are in the area on July 3 or any Thursday in July, stop by!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Quiet Guy in the Corner
On Saturday night, Daniel and I went to a baby shower for two members of his choral group. Some of the members brought their spouses. One woman brought her husband who we've all noticed in the past as quite odd. As I started to spend the evening just obeserving him. He was very quiet as everyone talked around him and it seemed like he felt a bit out of place. As I kept observing him more and more it dawned on me that this guy has some kind of autistic spectrum disorder. I think my hunch was confirmed when we started chatting and he went from talking about an approaching storm to how a friend is trying to figure out how to channel lightening to his teaching students to learn a certain process. Joseph opened up and started sharing his special subject.
As we left, I felt good that I was able to talk to him. What was interesting is that no one really talked to him before. He just came to events and sat while life happened around him and no one intereacted with him.
I'm beginnging to wonder if that is how most aspies and other autistics are treated in the wider world. Neurotypicals see this kind of odd person and tend to not connect with them. Yes, we can be an odd bunch because we start talking about our passions and not just chit chat. But maybe NTs could learn a thing or two if they were patient and listened.
Even moreso, I think about the church. I know that there have been times when people don't put up with my oddness and passions. But I think as autistic disorders become more well-known in the wider world, churches will need to make more room for us and find ways to include us. We might be in our own world some of the time, but we have so much to give to the world.
I'm glad I met Joseph and hope to chat again. Even if I don't know what in the heck he is talking about.
As we left, I felt good that I was able to talk to him. What was interesting is that no one really talked to him before. He just came to events and sat while life happened around him and no one intereacted with him.
I'm beginnging to wonder if that is how most aspies and other autistics are treated in the wider world. Neurotypicals see this kind of odd person and tend to not connect with them. Yes, we can be an odd bunch because we start talking about our passions and not just chit chat. But maybe NTs could learn a thing or two if they were patient and listened.
Even moreso, I think about the church. I know that there have been times when people don't put up with my oddness and passions. But I think as autistic disorders become more well-known in the wider world, churches will need to make more room for us and find ways to include us. We might be in our own world some of the time, but we have so much to give to the world.
I'm glad I met Joseph and hope to chat again. Even if I don't know what in the heck he is talking about.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Here Am I, Send Someone Else.
About a year ago, some of the Regional staff came to Minnesota to talk to local Disciples. At that meeting was someone I had not met before. At the end of the meeting, he came forward and chatted with the Associate Regional Minister and was upset that there was no mission going on in the Region. Where were the new churches? He asked.
In talking with the man, I found that he as Disciple that attended a local UCC congregation. I later sent an email talking about new church plants and if he would be interested. Long story short, he said no, and then went on to say all the Disciple churches should just join the UCC where things are happening.
I thought there were two things wrong with this guy's response. First, he seemed to think that it was the job of the Region to do mission. While the Regional staff could take a bigger role that it has in my mind, the push for mission in a congregational polity lies in the congregation and the individual, not in the Regional staff. It's funny, we Disciples will swear up and down that we don't want anyone telling us what to do, but then get mad when Regional staff doesn't seem to do what we want them to do. We want the freedom, but we don't want the responsibility, thank you very much.
This man is not the first person I've heard talking about the sorry state of Disciples in Minnesota. He is also not the first that seems to do nothing more than bitch and moan about how bad things are and how the Regional staff has to do something about it.
But the fact is, if we want things to change, then WE the people have to make them in partnership with the Regional staff. You might have noticed I am using the word "Regional staff" alot. That's because too often when we use the word "Region" we tend to refer to the staff, not the people. The Region, any Region of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) is made up of people and churches in a given geographical area. However, we act as if it is only the folks in Des Moines. If something is going on, then it's the problem of the Regional Minister, and their Associates, not us. The Disciples who are part of or were part of congregations have detached themselves from the Region, but still expect it to do something.
Ministry starts with us, the people. If all I do is sit in my pew and do very little to change the state of missions in the Region, then the fault lies with me, not only with the Regional Minister.
I know something of this, because when I tried to get Community of Grace off the ground, I got a very chilly reception from people. No one wanted to support this church, expecting the Region would do that for them. As the old saying goes, Everybody thought Somebody would do something and in the end, Nobody did anything.
I think that my fellow Disciples need to grow up a bit. The Regional staff is only as strong as the people who support them. We want freedom from the Regional staff, but we don't do anything to uplift ministry and we do even less when it comes to supporting them.
I think what it comes down to is that we don't want the responsibility, that's too much work and it puts us in the position of taking blame. However, it also puts us in the awesome position of working with God in bringing about God's kingdom. But maybe that's too scary; it's safer to sit in our pews and piss and moan.
In talking with the man, I found that he as Disciple that attended a local UCC congregation. I later sent an email talking about new church plants and if he would be interested. Long story short, he said no, and then went on to say all the Disciple churches should just join the UCC where things are happening.
I thought there were two things wrong with this guy's response. First, he seemed to think that it was the job of the Region to do mission. While the Regional staff could take a bigger role that it has in my mind, the push for mission in a congregational polity lies in the congregation and the individual, not in the Regional staff. It's funny, we Disciples will swear up and down that we don't want anyone telling us what to do, but then get mad when Regional staff doesn't seem to do what we want them to do. We want the freedom, but we don't want the responsibility, thank you very much.
This man is not the first person I've heard talking about the sorry state of Disciples in Minnesota. He is also not the first that seems to do nothing more than bitch and moan about how bad things are and how the Regional staff has to do something about it.
But the fact is, if we want things to change, then WE the people have to make them in partnership with the Regional staff. You might have noticed I am using the word "Regional staff" alot. That's because too often when we use the word "Region" we tend to refer to the staff, not the people. The Region, any Region of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) is made up of people and churches in a given geographical area. However, we act as if it is only the folks in Des Moines. If something is going on, then it's the problem of the Regional Minister, and their Associates, not us. The Disciples who are part of or were part of congregations have detached themselves from the Region, but still expect it to do something.
Ministry starts with us, the people. If all I do is sit in my pew and do very little to change the state of missions in the Region, then the fault lies with me, not only with the Regional Minister.
I know something of this, because when I tried to get Community of Grace off the ground, I got a very chilly reception from people. No one wanted to support this church, expecting the Region would do that for them. As the old saying goes, Everybody thought Somebody would do something and in the end, Nobody did anything.
I think that my fellow Disciples need to grow up a bit. The Regional staff is only as strong as the people who support them. We want freedom from the Regional staff, but we don't do anything to uplift ministry and we do even less when it comes to supporting them.
I think what it comes down to is that we don't want the responsibility, that's too much work and it puts us in the position of taking blame. However, it also puts us in the awesome position of working with God in bringing about God's kingdom. But maybe that's too scary; it's safer to sit in our pews and piss and moan.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Disciples, No, Apostles of Christ
The Associate Minister at Lake Harriet preached a good sermon based on the gospel. At some point she talked about how Jesus referred to the Twelve as disciples and then apostles. She reminded me that the word "apostle" means, "One who is sent." The main gist of her sermon is that it can be easy to be just a disciple, a learner and not ever go out and preach the gospel.
Later in the day, my husband, Daniel showed the story of Light of the World Lutheran Church, a new church plant just south of the Twin Cities. I've met the pastor, Deb Stedhlin. She was an associate at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran in Apple Valley, a Twin Cities suburb. They commissioned her to start this new church, paying her salary for a few years. The result is the church has grown from 85 people when it officially launched in December of 2007, to about 200 now.
Daniel shared this for a reason. He was well aware of my own travails in new church planting, except I had to do it with out the two things you really need to get a faith community off the ground: money and people. I joked and said that I was a tiny bit bitter about the whole experience, but Daniel saw right through that saying it was okay to be a lot bitter.
And the fact is, I am. I'm am very bitter about my experience and the state of the Disciples here in Minnesota. Now, I know a lot of my fellow Disciples here and care for them all, but there seems to be such a myopia when it comes to mission. I remember trying to share with members of other congregations about the need to support Community of Grace and for the most part it was met with silence. The cantor of Community of Grace and my dear friend, Dan once overheard at a Regional meeting how people were dissing new churches, saying how they would never make it.
I think there are reasons for such a lack of support- they aren't good reasons, but they are reasons nonetheless. At least in Minnesota all the churches are struggling. They have lost members and are dealing with declining memberships and budgets. That has allowed these churches to become inward focused, looking only at maintaining the church and not pursuing mission and ministry. So here comes some punk whose wet behind the ears and talking about preaching the gospel and they look at this kid like he is crazy. "Can't you see that we are struggling?" they ask.
I also think that the heritage of Disciples being what they are, we don't really live on faith. We are such a cerebral folk that we tend to only look at the "facts" and not at what could be.
But closing oneself off to mission is hardly the way to keep a church alive- in fact, it's the way to kill a church pretty quick. It's interesting that next week's gospel talks about those that try to hang on to life will lose it in the end, but those that lose their lives will gain them.
I think there are many churches hanging on for dear life and wanting to live at all costs. They hope that something, anything will happen to bring back the old days and the money to support the building they worship in.
But that's a good way to kill a church. No one wants to be part of a church just to keep the doors open. Like the disciples of old, they want to be part of an adventure.
It's easy to not have much faith that anything will change. All I can do is pray for a real revival among people. To see the outside world as a mission field and be willing to give all for Christ.
Next weekend, I will be preaching at Lutheran Church of Christ of Redeemer. It's a small Lutheran congregation in South Minneapolis. What has always amazed me is how this small church is sooo engaged in mission. And you want to know the result? They are growing. But they are growing by not holding on for dear life, but by giving it away.
It's time that Disciples stop being just students. We are called to be apostles.
Later in the day, my husband, Daniel showed the story of Light of the World Lutheran Church, a new church plant just south of the Twin Cities. I've met the pastor, Deb Stedhlin. She was an associate at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran in Apple Valley, a Twin Cities suburb. They commissioned her to start this new church, paying her salary for a few years. The result is the church has grown from 85 people when it officially launched in December of 2007, to about 200 now.
Daniel shared this for a reason. He was well aware of my own travails in new church planting, except I had to do it with out the two things you really need to get a faith community off the ground: money and people. I joked and said that I was a tiny bit bitter about the whole experience, but Daniel saw right through that saying it was okay to be a lot bitter.
And the fact is, I am. I'm am very bitter about my experience and the state of the Disciples here in Minnesota. Now, I know a lot of my fellow Disciples here and care for them all, but there seems to be such a myopia when it comes to mission. I remember trying to share with members of other congregations about the need to support Community of Grace and for the most part it was met with silence. The cantor of Community of Grace and my dear friend, Dan once overheard at a Regional meeting how people were dissing new churches, saying how they would never make it.
I think there are reasons for such a lack of support- they aren't good reasons, but they are reasons nonetheless. At least in Minnesota all the churches are struggling. They have lost members and are dealing with declining memberships and budgets. That has allowed these churches to become inward focused, looking only at maintaining the church and not pursuing mission and ministry. So here comes some punk whose wet behind the ears and talking about preaching the gospel and they look at this kid like he is crazy. "Can't you see that we are struggling?" they ask.
I also think that the heritage of Disciples being what they are, we don't really live on faith. We are such a cerebral folk that we tend to only look at the "facts" and not at what could be.
But closing oneself off to mission is hardly the way to keep a church alive- in fact, it's the way to kill a church pretty quick. It's interesting that next week's gospel talks about those that try to hang on to life will lose it in the end, but those that lose their lives will gain them.
I think there are many churches hanging on for dear life and wanting to live at all costs. They hope that something, anything will happen to bring back the old days and the money to support the building they worship in.
But that's a good way to kill a church. No one wants to be part of a church just to keep the doors open. Like the disciples of old, they want to be part of an adventure.
It's easy to not have much faith that anything will change. All I can do is pray for a real revival among people. To see the outside world as a mission field and be willing to give all for Christ.
Next weekend, I will be preaching at Lutheran Church of Christ of Redeemer. It's a small Lutheran congregation in South Minneapolis. What has always amazed me is how this small church is sooo engaged in mission. And you want to know the result? They are growing. But they are growing by not holding on for dear life, but by giving it away.
It's time that Disciples stop being just students. We are called to be apostles.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
On Hand Holding
I remember about a decade ago talking to the leader of a well known religious liberty organization. At some point we started talking about employment and he shared the fact of how he didn't like having to hold the hands of employees. His view was either employees knew something or they didn't.
For some reason, I've been thinking of his words in relation to my calling as a pastor and my own employment hassles. For a long time, I felt that someone needed to tell me what to do, or place parameters on me. I wanted someone to help me figure out how to navigate the world and be able to do the best job I could. I had these feelings long before my diagnosis, but looking back what I wanted was someone to handle me as someone with Aspergers.
The thing is, people with Aspergers do need some hand holding. It's not that we are helpless or can't do anything, but let's face it, we aren't wired like everyone else. We need someone to help us when we get stuck or have to deal with things that can stop us in our tracks.
In my own world, now that I know what is going on with me, I feel the need more and more to tell perspective churches and employers that they are going to have to make some accomodations to help me be the best person.
Gavin Bollard talks about his children having an Individual Educational Plan, a learning device that allows kids with learning needs to get a special education plan tailored to fit them. It's the law in the US and in the UK, but for Bollard, not so in his native Australia.
Anyway, I am now thinking that any call to a church would require that they work with me to develop an Individual Employment Plan or Individual Vocation Plan. For me, it means I have to advocate for my own needs, something I am not so good at doing.
In my own little world, I would meet with a prospective church and tell them what I need. I can work well in a position that is defined and ordered. Instructions have to be spelled out and not assumed.
There are probably others, but I can think of them now. But this is an idea I need to think about more and hopefully find a situation where I can be able to do this.
Are there any churches out there like this? We shall see.
For some reason, I've been thinking of his words in relation to my calling as a pastor and my own employment hassles. For a long time, I felt that someone needed to tell me what to do, or place parameters on me. I wanted someone to help me figure out how to navigate the world and be able to do the best job I could. I had these feelings long before my diagnosis, but looking back what I wanted was someone to handle me as someone with Aspergers.
The thing is, people with Aspergers do need some hand holding. It's not that we are helpless or can't do anything, but let's face it, we aren't wired like everyone else. We need someone to help us when we get stuck or have to deal with things that can stop us in our tracks.
In my own world, now that I know what is going on with me, I feel the need more and more to tell perspective churches and employers that they are going to have to make some accomodations to help me be the best person.
Gavin Bollard talks about his children having an Individual Educational Plan, a learning device that allows kids with learning needs to get a special education plan tailored to fit them. It's the law in the US and in the UK, but for Bollard, not so in his native Australia.
Anyway, I am now thinking that any call to a church would require that they work with me to develop an Individual Employment Plan or Individual Vocation Plan. For me, it means I have to advocate for my own needs, something I am not so good at doing.
In my own little world, I would meet with a prospective church and tell them what I need. I can work well in a position that is defined and ordered. Instructions have to be spelled out and not assumed.
There are probably others, but I can think of them now. But this is an idea I need to think about more and hopefully find a situation where I can be able to do this.
Are there any churches out there like this? We shall see.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Looking for Plan B
After my previous "sad sack" post, I've started to think more about my vocation and what to do next. I know that because of the Aspergers and other issues, my choices are limited. But I do have some choices that I need to discern. Here they are:
In the meantime, I will be doing a lot of praying.
- Have my current job recognized as a ministry. In recently chatting with my Regional Minister, I wondered aloud if my current job as Communications Specialist for the Presbytery could be considered a ministry. In Presbyterianese it's called a validated ministry. There is one candidate who will be ordained this Sunday. Since he has a background in the theatre, he will be ordained as a minister of drama. He will continue to do his work and be related to a church in downtown Minneapolis. I could do something similar to that. It would mean writing up a job description and having membership in a DOC or UCC church and I would also need to have some blessing from the Presbytery meaning a trip to the local Committee on Ministry. The thing is, I am becoming a resource for churches in the Presbytery as well as within Disciples circles, so why don't I just do make this an official ministry?
- Find a congregation that will allow me to do some sort of outreach ministry. I've been toying with the idea of speaking with the pastor of a congregation and asking to do some sort of outreach ministry, such a Saturday night or Sunday evening service. I would love to do this and a fellow pastor who knows of my Aspergers suggested it. The downside, is trying to find a church that won't get caught up in "analysis paralysis."
- Young Adult Ministry. I've been meeting with a soon-to-be UCC pastor who has an idea for Young Adult Ministry. I've joined her, in helping shape this joint UCC-Disciples cause, though I haven't always been so enthused with visions of trying to run youth ministries and Community of Grace dancing in my head. But it looks promising. I'm designing the website and want to try to get the local Disciple churches interested.
- Restart Community of Grace. Let's face it- CoG was left undone. But it was also dwindling to nothing and I was tired and frustrated. But the idea was a good one. I still have a heart for this, but the downsides to this are way too many. I would need a sociable person to work with me, and I would just need people. In the past, that has always been an issue and I think it still will be.
- Create a diaconal style ministry. For some reason, I've always been attracted to diaconal ministry. I sometimes wish I could do seminary all over again and become a deacon. I love the whole concept of bridging church and world and that has been something I've done. I am thankful for the Lutherans, Anglicans and Catholics for maintaining a strong diaconate. Disciples, UCC and other Protestants have really diminished the role of deacons to the people who help serve communion or collect the offering. I think it's time to restore this order of ministry to other parts of Protestantism and I would love to be in the vanguard.
In the meantime, I will be doing a lot of praying.
Hello, Are You There God? It's Me, Dennis.
Today has me feeling somewhat depressed, pretty much like the rain that is falling outside. I feel like I've made a mistake, and that I am utterly alone. I feel that my passions are going to waste. And most of all, I feel like the wider church really isn't interested in mission and ministry, but being taken care of. The church is either to comfortable or too cynical to really do mission. And I feel like I deal with this in aching silence.
If you guessed that I am thinking about my call to ministry yet again, then you are correct.
Part of this stems from coming to the realization that I can really do ministry at the church I attend. I can do things like preach and help with worship, but until a pastor is called, I can't do much more and when a pastor is called, I will probably have to leave the congregation to let that person be able to do their ministry. Of course because of the training and probably because of the Aspergers, I keep wanting to want to be helpful. In my mind, I think, I have the skills and want to be helpful. But I really can't do that there for the reasons stated above. It makes sense, of course, but it still hurts to know that you can't use your skills and calling at a place you care for.
I have sent my profiles to other congregations, but have been turned down. That makes sense too; because over time I've discovered that I can't be an effective solo pastor. I'm good on a team, but terrible running the show. But again, it hurts. My skills are not needed there.
Then comes a desire to start/re-start some sort of new ministry. There are a lot of things that I would love to do that aren't being done in other Disciple congregations in the area and I would love to do it with others, but the fact is, there are no others. I've shared this idea with friends who were involved in Disciple churches and others and some have express interest, and then you never hear from them. Many of these people seem to complain that the church isn't really living out mission, but when given the chance to help create something, they do nothing but complain as if bitching will automatically change things. The only thing that will change things is when people want to change things and get their hands dirty. So, again, I feel hurt. My skills aren't need here, either.
All of this has me asking: where in the world am I needed? Where can I live out my call? Is there no place to go? Did I make a mistake in going into the ministry? Should I join the countless others who have left the ministry and just close the door on this?
I do wonder if this has all been a mistake. Other pastors have people who have mentored them in ministry; who have helped them as they discerned the call and who support them after ordination. I really haven't had those people in my life. I don't feel like I have a community where I can discern God's will. I've always felt on my own with this; it hasn't even felt like God is around at times.
Yes, I know, I am bitching here. I am probably not supposed to be doing this on a public blog. I should be talking about some cool website or this cool picture I took. I should put my best face forward, but frankly, I just don't do that. If I'm feeling bad, writing is a way to describe the feelings.
What I long for is a sense of belonging. To be in a place where I can put my skills to use and where I am spiritually and emotionally supported. This isn't about getting a full time call with pension; this is about finding a place where I can do ministry and not be told I am not needed.
I have to have hope that things will change. But hope is hard to come by these days.
If you guessed that I am thinking about my call to ministry yet again, then you are correct.
Part of this stems from coming to the realization that I can really do ministry at the church I attend. I can do things like preach and help with worship, but until a pastor is called, I can't do much more and when a pastor is called, I will probably have to leave the congregation to let that person be able to do their ministry. Of course because of the training and probably because of the Aspergers, I keep wanting to want to be helpful. In my mind, I think, I have the skills and want to be helpful. But I really can't do that there for the reasons stated above. It makes sense, of course, but it still hurts to know that you can't use your skills and calling at a place you care for.
I have sent my profiles to other congregations, but have been turned down. That makes sense too; because over time I've discovered that I can't be an effective solo pastor. I'm good on a team, but terrible running the show. But again, it hurts. My skills are not needed there.
Then comes a desire to start/re-start some sort of new ministry. There are a lot of things that I would love to do that aren't being done in other Disciple congregations in the area and I would love to do it with others, but the fact is, there are no others. I've shared this idea with friends who were involved in Disciple churches and others and some have express interest, and then you never hear from them. Many of these people seem to complain that the church isn't really living out mission, but when given the chance to help create something, they do nothing but complain as if bitching will automatically change things. The only thing that will change things is when people want to change things and get their hands dirty. So, again, I feel hurt. My skills aren't need here, either.
All of this has me asking: where in the world am I needed? Where can I live out my call? Is there no place to go? Did I make a mistake in going into the ministry? Should I join the countless others who have left the ministry and just close the door on this?
I do wonder if this has all been a mistake. Other pastors have people who have mentored them in ministry; who have helped them as they discerned the call and who support them after ordination. I really haven't had those people in my life. I don't feel like I have a community where I can discern God's will. I've always felt on my own with this; it hasn't even felt like God is around at times.
Yes, I know, I am bitching here. I am probably not supposed to be doing this on a public blog. I should be talking about some cool website or this cool picture I took. I should put my best face forward, but frankly, I just don't do that. If I'm feeling bad, writing is a way to describe the feelings.
What I long for is a sense of belonging. To be in a place where I can put my skills to use and where I am spiritually and emotionally supported. This isn't about getting a full time call with pension; this is about finding a place where I can do ministry and not be told I am not needed.
I have to have hope that things will change. But hope is hard to come by these days.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Sunday Sermon- June 8, 2008
"And A Little Child Shall Lead Me"
Gen. 12:1-9 ; Matthew 9:9-13, 18-26
June 8, 2008
Lake Harriet Christian Church
Minneapolis, MN
About a month ago, Daniel (my partner) and I were in Grand Forks to visit his brother and sister. We stayed at his sister's house in Grand Forks and decided to take her kids, our nephews, Alex and Issac to breakfast. Daniel took Alex in his Smart Car and since that car is a two-seater, I borrowed his sister Christine's car and drove little Issac.
On the way back, Issac was excited, telling me about the new house they were going to move into. He wanted to show me where the house was. I was a little wary, since I didn't think a five-year old would know how to get to this new place. But I relented and decided to listen to him, knowing that if he couldn't figure it out, I knew Grand Forks well enough to get back to their current house.
So, I listened and allowed a five year old in a booster seat in the back give me directions. "Turn here," he would say, I would do as told. "Turn here." Within a short amount of time, he said "Here it is!" Lo and behold, we were in front of the new house and he began talking about where his new room would be in the house. I was amazed that this little kid had been paying attention so well, to be able to tell his near 40 year old uncle how to get to his future home.
His mother and father now have an organic GPS system, at least until said system turns 18.
What was so interesting about this little adventure is that I basically placed my life, or at least that little spec of my life, in the hands of someone that hadn't even entered kindergarten yet. I had no idea where we were going and if we were even going to get our chosen destination. It was truly a journey of faith.
Today in Genesis, we are introduced to Abraham. Here was this "mature" person, living in somewhere in or around modern Iraq. He has a wife and is just living normal life. Then out of nowhere, he hears the voice of God who calls him to pull up stakes from his comfortable life and move to a new place where God will make him the father of a nation.
Did I mention that has 75 years old and his wife Sarah was no spring chicken either.
The thing is, he does what God tells him. He leaves all that is familiar and moves to where God tells him to go. A man in his mid-70s begins a journey of a lifetime, at time when most people think the journey is over.
When I was younger, I remember hearing about this story and about what a great example Abraham was. When God called, he just took off and did what God said. I have to say that bothered me. I didn't like this view of Abraham (still don't) because it wasn't real to me. I didn't understand how one could marvel at someone who never questioned or doubted if this was the right move or even wondered what in the world he was doing. I mean, if I were in his shoes, I would have some questions. Here I am at an advanced age, being asked to move to some place I've never been and expected to be the father of a nation when my wife is way, way past childbearing age. To paraphrase Dickens, I would be wondering if this was all the result of undigested food.
I have no idea how Abraham responded, but we know he listened to God. He took a step of faith, not knowing how everything was going to turn out, but trusting God's promises.
In our Gospel reading, we encounter two examples of faith. Matthew the tax collector, who was called by Jesus to follow him and the woman with an issue of blood, who believed that if she just touched Jesus; garment, then she would be healed.
All of these stories give us insight into what faith means. We hear that word a lot in our culture, but in many cases we really don't know what it means. In some cases we think faith is something we possess, meaning if we have enough of it, everything will be okay. For others, faith is about adhering to certain doctrines or creeds. If we believe in this doctrine or that creed, then we have faith. But in today's stories, we don't see either example of faith. What we see here is people who are trying to trust God, step by step.
The other thing that is notable is that for Abraham, faith isn't a one-time event, but a process, a journey. It's a journey where there will be setbacks and wrong turns, but it continues. It's a journey where we follow God, step by step, even though we don't have all the answers.
Our own journey of faith is one where God is calling us out from the familiar and into new territories. And we will make wrong turns, but the journey of faith continues on. When I was in college, faith was presented to me as having the answers to all of life's questions. I don't know if I ever believed that. Faith isn't about certainty or having all the answers. Instead, it is about believing even though you have questions. It's about even living into those questions, knowing that God is with us every step of the way.
Faith is not only taking those uncertain steps, but it is also acting as if we have nothing left to lose. I want for you for a moment to look at the illustration on the front of your bulletins. To me, if there is an image of what faith is, then this is it. You see a picture of a hand reaching towards a man. His back is turned to the hand, he can't see what is happening behind him. You can feel that there is a sense of desperation behind this person's hand. It looks as if the person has nothing to lose in the way the hand is reaching out.
This picture is showing us the story of the woman in today's gospel. The woman has spent years spending money and going to doctors to be healed. And now she hears of this rabbi that can heal people. She doesn't even want to face him, since she is considered unclean. All she wants to do is simply touch his clothing. She believes if she can do this, she will be healed of her sickness. In Matthew, she doesn't even get that far, when Jesus turns around and says, her faith has made her well, and you know what? It did.
Faith is about taking journeys and about taking risks. If we expect faith to be safe, then it isn't faith.
For the past year, this congregation has been on a journey. It seems at times that we are walking without a map and we wonder if we will ever arrive. But maybe, being on the journey is the point. Maybe we are to have faith that God will do something with this small band and not be so concerned "arriving," whatever that means.
To follow Jesus doesn't mean that we have arrived. We haven't. Instead, what it means is that day by day, we take step by step, not knowing where God will take us, but knowing that God will be with us and changing us more into God's likeness.
I am reminded of a song I heard nearly twenty years ago. The song is called "Sometimes Step by Step" and it's by the contemporary Christian artist, the late Rich Mullins. Many churches have made the chorus into a song in and of itself and it has been sung in churches far and wide. The chorus goes like this:
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
Step by step. That's what faith is all about. We take one step, not sure of where God is leading us. And we take another and another. And like Abraham, we will get off course at times. We will stumble. But because of the grace of God, we can get back on track and follow God, step by step, learning to follow the ways of Jesus, learning to be in relationship with God and with each other.
When I was younger, I believed faith was something that you had to have in massive quantities. I was always worried that I didn't believe enough. But in the end, faith is not about believing enough, it's about trusting God and acting like there is nothing to lose, because God is with us.
It's ironic that the person leading me around Grand Forks, was named Issac, the name of the promised child of Abraham. It was by placing trust in this little one that made the journey interesting.
May it be so with us. Amen.
Gen. 12:1-9 ; Matthew 9:9-13, 18-26
June 8, 2008
Lake Harriet Christian Church
Minneapolis, MN
About a month ago, Daniel (my partner) and I were in Grand Forks to visit his brother and sister. We stayed at his sister's house in Grand Forks and decided to take her kids, our nephews, Alex and Issac to breakfast. Daniel took Alex in his Smart Car and since that car is a two-seater, I borrowed his sister Christine's car and drove little Issac.
On the way back, Issac was excited, telling me about the new house they were going to move into. He wanted to show me where the house was. I was a little wary, since I didn't think a five-year old would know how to get to this new place. But I relented and decided to listen to him, knowing that if he couldn't figure it out, I knew Grand Forks well enough to get back to their current house.
So, I listened and allowed a five year old in a booster seat in the back give me directions. "Turn here," he would say, I would do as told. "Turn here." Within a short amount of time, he said "Here it is!" Lo and behold, we were in front of the new house and he began talking about where his new room would be in the house. I was amazed that this little kid had been paying attention so well, to be able to tell his near 40 year old uncle how to get to his future home.
His mother and father now have an organic GPS system, at least until said system turns 18.
What was so interesting about this little adventure is that I basically placed my life, or at least that little spec of my life, in the hands of someone that hadn't even entered kindergarten yet. I had no idea where we were going and if we were even going to get our chosen destination. It was truly a journey of faith.
Today in Genesis, we are introduced to Abraham. Here was this "mature" person, living in somewhere in or around modern Iraq. He has a wife and is just living normal life. Then out of nowhere, he hears the voice of God who calls him to pull up stakes from his comfortable life and move to a new place where God will make him the father of a nation.
Did I mention that has 75 years old and his wife Sarah was no spring chicken either.
The thing is, he does what God tells him. He leaves all that is familiar and moves to where God tells him to go. A man in his mid-70s begins a journey of a lifetime, at time when most people think the journey is over.
When I was younger, I remember hearing about this story and about what a great example Abraham was. When God called, he just took off and did what God said. I have to say that bothered me. I didn't like this view of Abraham (still don't) because it wasn't real to me. I didn't understand how one could marvel at someone who never questioned or doubted if this was the right move or even wondered what in the world he was doing. I mean, if I were in his shoes, I would have some questions. Here I am at an advanced age, being asked to move to some place I've never been and expected to be the father of a nation when my wife is way, way past childbearing age. To paraphrase Dickens, I would be wondering if this was all the result of undigested food.
I have no idea how Abraham responded, but we know he listened to God. He took a step of faith, not knowing how everything was going to turn out, but trusting God's promises.
In our Gospel reading, we encounter two examples of faith. Matthew the tax collector, who was called by Jesus to follow him and the woman with an issue of blood, who believed that if she just touched Jesus; garment, then she would be healed.
All of these stories give us insight into what faith means. We hear that word a lot in our culture, but in many cases we really don't know what it means. In some cases we think faith is something we possess, meaning if we have enough of it, everything will be okay. For others, faith is about adhering to certain doctrines or creeds. If we believe in this doctrine or that creed, then we have faith. But in today's stories, we don't see either example of faith. What we see here is people who are trying to trust God, step by step.
The other thing that is notable is that for Abraham, faith isn't a one-time event, but a process, a journey. It's a journey where there will be setbacks and wrong turns, but it continues. It's a journey where we follow God, step by step, even though we don't have all the answers.
Our own journey of faith is one where God is calling us out from the familiar and into new territories. And we will make wrong turns, but the journey of faith continues on. When I was in college, faith was presented to me as having the answers to all of life's questions. I don't know if I ever believed that. Faith isn't about certainty or having all the answers. Instead, it is about believing even though you have questions. It's about even living into those questions, knowing that God is with us every step of the way.
Faith is not only taking those uncertain steps, but it is also acting as if we have nothing left to lose. I want for you for a moment to look at the illustration on the front of your bulletins. To me, if there is an image of what faith is, then this is it. You see a picture of a hand reaching towards a man. His back is turned to the hand, he can't see what is happening behind him. You can feel that there is a sense of desperation behind this person's hand. It looks as if the person has nothing to lose in the way the hand is reaching out.
This picture is showing us the story of the woman in today's gospel. The woman has spent years spending money and going to doctors to be healed. And now she hears of this rabbi that can heal people. She doesn't even want to face him, since she is considered unclean. All she wants to do is simply touch his clothing. She believes if she can do this, she will be healed of her sickness. In Matthew, she doesn't even get that far, when Jesus turns around and says, her faith has made her well, and you know what? It did.
Faith is about taking journeys and about taking risks. If we expect faith to be safe, then it isn't faith.
For the past year, this congregation has been on a journey. It seems at times that we are walking without a map and we wonder if we will ever arrive. But maybe, being on the journey is the point. Maybe we are to have faith that God will do something with this small band and not be so concerned "arriving," whatever that means.
To follow Jesus doesn't mean that we have arrived. We haven't. Instead, what it means is that day by day, we take step by step, not knowing where God will take us, but knowing that God will be with us and changing us more into God's likeness.
I am reminded of a song I heard nearly twenty years ago. The song is called "Sometimes Step by Step" and it's by the contemporary Christian artist, the late Rich Mullins. Many churches have made the chorus into a song in and of itself and it has been sung in churches far and wide. The chorus goes like this:
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
Step by step. That's what faith is all about. We take one step, not sure of where God is leading us. And we take another and another. And like Abraham, we will get off course at times. We will stumble. But because of the grace of God, we can get back on track and follow God, step by step, learning to follow the ways of Jesus, learning to be in relationship with God and with each other.
When I was younger, I believed faith was something that you had to have in massive quantities. I was always worried that I didn't believe enough. But in the end, faith is not about believing enough, it's about trusting God and acting like there is nothing to lose, because God is with us.
It's ironic that the person leading me around Grand Forks, was named Issac, the name of the promised child of Abraham. It was by placing trust in this little one that made the journey interesting.
May it be so with us. Amen.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Notes from An Aspie Pastor: The One Thing
It would be an understatement to say that I can be a driven person. If there is something that I am passionate about, watch out.
It's also not an understatement to say that I am pretty single-minded. If something is of interest to me, it becomes The One Thing.
When I was ordained, I got it in my head that I needed to do something. So, I looked for various openings in churches, nevermind if they fit or didn't fit. I was driven to have a call in ministry.
That was the same thinking I had with Community of Grace. I didn't really plan anything, I just did it. I had a passion for ministry and was single-minded in my purpose.
Probably because of the Aspergers, I tend to have this drive to do something, anything related to my vocation. It's The One Thing.
Case in point: a few weeks ago, I asked the Associate Pastor if I could be of help with what I thought was an issue. She responded saying this would only confuse issues. In my line of thinking, I tend to think, "I have the skills. I can help!" So, when someone explains that my help isn't needed (and sometimes not wanted) I feel bad and confused wondering why they didn't want my help.
Of course, I am learning that not all positions in churches are good for me. And that when I am chided in helping, it's not a slam against me. But the drive remains.
People with Aspergers tend to be hyper-focused. I can see how that has played in my life. But how can I use this skill to my advantage?
A post on Yahoo has some interesting insights on the highs and lows of having autism:
The One Thing isn't a bad thing. I just need a place to put it to good use.
It's also not an understatement to say that I am pretty single-minded. If something is of interest to me, it becomes The One Thing.
When I was ordained, I got it in my head that I needed to do something. So, I looked for various openings in churches, nevermind if they fit or didn't fit. I was driven to have a call in ministry.
That was the same thinking I had with Community of Grace. I didn't really plan anything, I just did it. I had a passion for ministry and was single-minded in my purpose.
Probably because of the Aspergers, I tend to have this drive to do something, anything related to my vocation. It's The One Thing.
Case in point: a few weeks ago, I asked the Associate Pastor if I could be of help with what I thought was an issue. She responded saying this would only confuse issues. In my line of thinking, I tend to think, "I have the skills. I can help!" So, when someone explains that my help isn't needed (and sometimes not wanted) I feel bad and confused wondering why they didn't want my help.
Of course, I am learning that not all positions in churches are good for me. And that when I am chided in helping, it's not a slam against me. But the drive remains.
People with Aspergers tend to be hyper-focused. I can see how that has played in my life. But how can I use this skill to my advantage?
A post on Yahoo has some interesting insights on the highs and lows of having autism:
- strong conceptualization skill (able to mentally model complex systems, may develop instinctive understanding of the system from this internalized model)
- logical thinking (strong skills in technical research or computer programming)
- exceptional memory
- attention to detail (can identify inconsistencies in processes or communications)
- honest, straightforward (can treat people fairly)
- intense focus
- willing and able to learn great depth of information in specific field
Probably the best thing that an aspie can do is to find work that is either related to their special interest or work which doesn't conflict with too many of the general aspie characteristics. While there is a tendency for aspies to seek jobs in computing and academic fields, there is no reason why aspies cannot be employed in lots of other areas.So, what does that mean for me and my call? Don't know yet. However, I am going to do a few things in the near future that will help. First, I am going to talk with the Regional Minister about this (that's the Disciples version of a bishop-type person). Second, I am going to set up an appointment with a local center that helps pastors discover their skills.
Special interest jobs are very good for aspies as they can often be quite innovative and can easily take on leader, designer and developer roles. Unlike their co-workers, aspies often live and breathe their special interests and therefore have a genuine interest in pursing them - rather than simply focusing on the job at hand.
The One Thing isn't a bad thing. I just need a place to put it to good use.
Aspie Reflections: What Do You Do With An MDiv?
Last night, I watched the Associate Pastor at the church I am a part of. We had our weekly prayer service- now biweekly during the summer months- and she was talking with two members of our congregation whose daughter, son-in-law and children were brutally affected by a tornado that hit the northern Twin Cities suburbs. She was skilled in being truly a pastor to them during this horrible time. As watched this scene, it occurred to me: I couldn't do what she is doing- or at least it doesn't come to me as naturally.
Today, at another meeting, I saw a young guy who is a pastor at a local UCC church. Again, he has the social skills that make him an excellent pastor. And I thought again, I don't have those skills.
While I am relieved about my diagnosis of Aspergers, it leaves me with a big question regarding vocation: what in the world do you do with a pastor that has autism?
I've been around long enough to know that pastors tend to be social beings. They are supposed to be the kind of people who can connect with others. They "get" social cues. They know how to deal with sudden change. So what about someone like me who isn't any of that? How in the world can I be a pastor if I don't have those skills?
This doesn't mean I am planning on hanging up my stole (though that has crossed my mind). But I just don't know what to do here. I know that I can't be a solo pastor of a church. There is way too much instability for me to process it all and I know I would end up pissing people off with my aspie ways.
For a long time, I've wondered where I fit in the church. I knew I didn't fit, but didn't know why. But now I need to figure out how to use my gifts in ministry, how to use my Aspergers not as a deficit, but as an advantage.
I know that I need to be in environments that are structured and have some sense of stability. That has made me think of some kind of Associate Ministry. However, at least in the metro area, there are no possibilities for that kind of ministry among Disciple churches and very few in UCC circles. I guess I could start looking outstate and see what happens.
What I have wanted to do is to maybe create some kind of ministry in a congregation where I would be on staff probably bivocational. Maybe it would be to perform worship or lead Christian Education. But it would be something that is regimented.
One of the stories in the Bible that I love is the story of Gideon. Gideon was called by God to lead an army against the Midianites. The trouble is, Gideon is a coward. But God uses him and just to make sure Gideon knows that it is God doing this and not Gideon, he sends Gideon into battle with only 300 men using pots. It was that ragtag army, led by a scaredy cat, that defeated the mighty Midianites.
The story shows that God doesn't use the most qualified persons to do God's will. So if God can call someone like Gideon, God can call me.
I just need to find what in the world that is.
Today, at another meeting, I saw a young guy who is a pastor at a local UCC church. Again, he has the social skills that make him an excellent pastor. And I thought again, I don't have those skills.
While I am relieved about my diagnosis of Aspergers, it leaves me with a big question regarding vocation: what in the world do you do with a pastor that has autism?
I've been around long enough to know that pastors tend to be social beings. They are supposed to be the kind of people who can connect with others. They "get" social cues. They know how to deal with sudden change. So what about someone like me who isn't any of that? How in the world can I be a pastor if I don't have those skills?
This doesn't mean I am planning on hanging up my stole (though that has crossed my mind). But I just don't know what to do here. I know that I can't be a solo pastor of a church. There is way too much instability for me to process it all and I know I would end up pissing people off with my aspie ways.
For a long time, I've wondered where I fit in the church. I knew I didn't fit, but didn't know why. But now I need to figure out how to use my gifts in ministry, how to use my Aspergers not as a deficit, but as an advantage.
I know that I need to be in environments that are structured and have some sense of stability. That has made me think of some kind of Associate Ministry. However, at least in the metro area, there are no possibilities for that kind of ministry among Disciple churches and very few in UCC circles. I guess I could start looking outstate and see what happens.
What I have wanted to do is to maybe create some kind of ministry in a congregation where I would be on staff probably bivocational. Maybe it would be to perform worship or lead Christian Education. But it would be something that is regimented.
One of the stories in the Bible that I love is the story of Gideon. Gideon was called by God to lead an army against the Midianites. The trouble is, Gideon is a coward. But God uses him and just to make sure Gideon knows that it is God doing this and not Gideon, he sends Gideon into battle with only 300 men using pots. It was that ragtag army, led by a scaredy cat, that defeated the mighty Midianites.
The story shows that God doesn't use the most qualified persons to do God's will. So if God can call someone like Gideon, God can call me.
I just need to find what in the world that is.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Hope and Grief
The last few days have been rather interesting.
Daniel and I just got back from Fargo today. We went up last night to catch a glimpse of a new nephew. Daniel's brother, John and his wife Julie were expecting a baby and Julie's water broke early yesterday. Early this morning, we got to see John Luke, their son.
It was a fascinating experience. I had not been in a maternity ward before, so it was interesting to see these little beings, who were inside their mother's womb only a few hours ago. It was even more cool to hold little John Luke, himself only six hours old.
I drove home feeling rather good about the events earlier in the day, but I was also mindful of some sad events that had happened earlier. On Sunday, two members of my congregation received some news no parent should receive: their daughter's family had been affected by a tornado that ripped through their suburb. This elderly couple lost their two year old grandson and the four year old granddaughter is still in the hospital with injuries.
I went to prayer tonight and the grandparents were there. We sang hymns and prayed. I was reticient to share my good news: it was hard to share in the joy of the birth of a child when grandparents are dealing with a loss of a toddler.
Hope and grief came together in a strange way today. I don't have any wise words on this other than the fact that it happened and that it seemed like an odd juxtaposition.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Surprised by Hope
I've purchased N.T. Wright's latest book, Surprised by Hope, today. I was interested in the book since he was interviewed in Newsweek about what the afterlife means. This is a subject I've been wrestling with for a while. What happens when we die? Is it all over? Is there more than this?
I will try to share my thoughts as I slog through the book.
I will try to share my thoughts as I slog through the book.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Hello, I'm Dennis and I'm an Aspie.
On Thursday night, I met up with a friend and went to an Aspergers/Autism support group sponsored by the Autism Society of Minnesota. So, this would be the first time I would meet other people with Aspergers/Autism.
It was a good time. It was kind of like finding your people. While there were people who were more affected than I was, I saw a lot of myself in them. It was interesting to get into the small groups and have some people talking about the issue at hand, others talking about something else, others playing cards and others looking down and just being quiet. Being that I was in a library with interesting books, I did what I have done in the past, took a book and started looking at it. A few years ago, I did that at a church board meeting, and was chastised for seemingly not caring about the issue at hand.
I'm not advising that I should continue reading books during meetings. But it does put in some perspective.
The thing was, seeing other people act like I did, made me understand that I'm not alone. There are others like me.
I most definitely will be going back and will try to get Daniel to go to the group for spouses. Lord knows he is going to need someone to talk to about my odd ways and he needs to know he isn't alone either.
It was a good time. It was kind of like finding your people. While there were people who were more affected than I was, I saw a lot of myself in them. It was interesting to get into the small groups and have some people talking about the issue at hand, others talking about something else, others playing cards and others looking down and just being quiet. Being that I was in a library with interesting books, I did what I have done in the past, took a book and started looking at it. A few years ago, I did that at a church board meeting, and was chastised for seemingly not caring about the issue at hand.
I'm not advising that I should continue reading books during meetings. But it does put in some perspective.
The thing was, seeing other people act like I did, made me understand that I'm not alone. There are others like me.
I most definitely will be going back and will try to get Daniel to go to the group for spouses. Lord knows he is going to need someone to talk to about my odd ways and he needs to know he isn't alone either.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Frustrated. That is All.
A friend called today and we chatted about life. He told me about the good things going on in his ministry as a church musician. At some point we chatted about me and I shared my ongoing frustrations. I told him I wanted to be serving in a church in some form. He responded by saying that maybe if I worshipped with Daniel, my partner, I could do somethings at his church (as a lay member).
I know my friend meant well, but I was mad at those words. I responded by saying that I wanted to serve as a pastor, not as a member, which is what I have been doing for a while.
I was mad because I felt like whatever gifts I have for ministry were belittled and as usual, I felt that I was not taken seriously.
I know this sounds like I'm on some ego trip, but I'm not. It's not that I want a full time job with benefits, or that I need to have the title. It's just that I felt called to ministry, even though I didn't want it initially. I felt God had called me. So, I go to seminary and the result is, no one sees me. I feel at times, that there is no room for me in the church-at least not to be a pastor.
For me, this is about feeling set apart to serve God and I don't what that is.
In the Presbytery, there is a candidate for Minister of Word and Sacrament that has an interesting ministry and background. Dean has a background in theatre and has sought to blend his love of stage with his love of God. The end result is that the Presbytery is going to ordain him as a Minister of Drama and a local church is going to be there to support him spiritually.
I wish I had that in my life. I wish I could connect with some church and that they could support me in doing some endeavor. Maybe it's to start an alternative worship service or plant a church. I'm not asking necessarily for a paid position, just a place where I feel that the people have ordained me to do some specific task.
And that's really what it comes down to- I have never felt ordained by the people. I know God has ordained me, but God's community? Well, at times I don't think they know what to do with me, so they just don't deal with me.
I've enjoyed doing supply preaching. But I wish that I could do more.
I'm tired of having to fight for simple recognition. There are times that I wonder if I should just turn in my stole and give up.
I know this is a downer of a post and I'm whining a lot. But I don't care right now.
I know my friend meant well, but I was mad at those words. I responded by saying that I wanted to serve as a pastor, not as a member, which is what I have been doing for a while.
I was mad because I felt like whatever gifts I have for ministry were belittled and as usual, I felt that I was not taken seriously.
I know this sounds like I'm on some ego trip, but I'm not. It's not that I want a full time job with benefits, or that I need to have the title. It's just that I felt called to ministry, even though I didn't want it initially. I felt God had called me. So, I go to seminary and the result is, no one sees me. I feel at times, that there is no room for me in the church-at least not to be a pastor.
For me, this is about feeling set apart to serve God and I don't what that is.
In the Presbytery, there is a candidate for Minister of Word and Sacrament that has an interesting ministry and background. Dean has a background in theatre and has sought to blend his love of stage with his love of God. The end result is that the Presbytery is going to ordain him as a Minister of Drama and a local church is going to be there to support him spiritually.
I wish I had that in my life. I wish I could connect with some church and that they could support me in doing some endeavor. Maybe it's to start an alternative worship service or plant a church. I'm not asking necessarily for a paid position, just a place where I feel that the people have ordained me to do some specific task.
And that's really what it comes down to- I have never felt ordained by the people. I know God has ordained me, but God's community? Well, at times I don't think they know what to do with me, so they just don't deal with me.
I've enjoyed doing supply preaching. But I wish that I could do more.
I'm tired of having to fight for simple recognition. There are times that I wonder if I should just turn in my stole and give up.
I know this is a downer of a post and I'm whining a lot. But I don't care right now.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Remembering the Call
After announcing my diagnosis of Aspergers, I received a wonderful comment from fellow blogger, Danny Bradfield, to remember that I am called to ministry and that the Aspergers doesn't distract from that.
He is right about that. But I am left with the question: what am I called to do?
I know I was called to be in ordained ministry. But I also know that I don't have the skills to be a solo pastor. I probably do well as an associate pastor with specific duties, but those jobs are few and far between. Chaplaincy? I don't think it helps to have an autistic chaplain.
So, what do I do? Where do I fit?
Yeah, I have thought about church planting, but since I haven't heard anything from anyone expressing interest, I can conclude that is not in the cards.
This week was the Festival of Homiletics in Minneapolis. I should have gone for at least one day of this event, but I didn't. I guess I felt a bit down on myself and felt that I didn't deserve to be there.
It's hard to explain and I don't think I can even put it into words right now. It's just that I don't always feel like any of this is real.
I hope at some point God gives me a clue as to where I can use the skills God has given me.
He is right about that. But I am left with the question: what am I called to do?
I know I was called to be in ordained ministry. But I also know that I don't have the skills to be a solo pastor. I probably do well as an associate pastor with specific duties, but those jobs are few and far between. Chaplaincy? I don't think it helps to have an autistic chaplain.
So, what do I do? Where do I fit?
Yeah, I have thought about church planting, but since I haven't heard anything from anyone expressing interest, I can conclude that is not in the cards.
This week was the Festival of Homiletics in Minneapolis. I should have gone for at least one day of this event, but I didn't. I guess I felt a bit down on myself and felt that I didn't deserve to be there.
It's hard to explain and I don't think I can even put it into words right now. It's just that I don't always feel like any of this is real.
I hope at some point God gives me a clue as to where I can use the skills God has given me.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Like Sand Through the Hourglass...
As I was putting together the biweekly newsletter at work, I came accross this statement by Roger Shoemaker who is a candidate for Moderator in the Presbyterian Church (USA):
Take out the last sentence and that could be many a church I know.
As the church I attend looks for a new pastor, one of the issues that I have heard time and time again is that we need more members. Now, the congregation is small and I can understand that. More members usually mean more money to pay for the physical plant. This is a complaint at a lot of churches. But like Shoemaker, I worry that getting on the new member train is built on sand. It's not that having new members is bad and that we should not do that, but what is behind getting new members? Is it to have more bodies to pay for the building, or is it to share the gospel of Christ? Do we even care about the spirituality of the members? Are we willing to welcome into our church those who don't have fat bank accounts?
I want to see more people in our churches. But I worry that sometimes people want this for the wrong reasons. What I see in a lot of churches is not a passion for mission but simply maintainence. A lot of people in the pews are more interested in the pastor taking care of them and bringing in more people to care for the building than they are in taking the Great Commission seriously. Caring for the people outside of the walls of the church seems to not be a major concern for some.
In Matthew 7:24-27, Jesus' parable tells us about a man who built his house on a foundation of sand. I believe we have done just that without recognizing it as such.
As our membership ebbs and flows through our churches, we focus on bringing in new members, new sand to build up the membership base of our congregations, rather than building foundations of spirituality that strengthens the church. We need to strengthen our understanding of the Biblical, confessional and polity components that define us as Presbyterians.
Take out the last sentence and that could be many a church I know.
As the church I attend looks for a new pastor, one of the issues that I have heard time and time again is that we need more members. Now, the congregation is small and I can understand that. More members usually mean more money to pay for the physical plant. This is a complaint at a lot of churches. But like Shoemaker, I worry that getting on the new member train is built on sand. It's not that having new members is bad and that we should not do that, but what is behind getting new members? Is it to have more bodies to pay for the building, or is it to share the gospel of Christ? Do we even care about the spirituality of the members? Are we willing to welcome into our church those who don't have fat bank accounts?
I want to see more people in our churches. But I worry that sometimes people want this for the wrong reasons. What I see in a lot of churches is not a passion for mission but simply maintainence. A lot of people in the pews are more interested in the pastor taking care of them and bringing in more people to care for the building than they are in taking the Great Commission seriously. Caring for the people outside of the walls of the church seems to not be a major concern for some.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Just Call Me "Aspie"
So, I went to see a psychologist to do some testing for Aspergers Syndrome. I've met with him three times, twice with Daniel. After answering a lot of questions, I found out:
Yes, I do have Aspergers Sydrome, a form of autism.
I have lots of mixed feelings. On the one hand, I have a sense of relief. After years of wondering why in the world I just couldn't "get" what others were getting, why I had such a hard time keeping jobs, or why working in the church has been such a disaster at times, I finally know why: my brain is wired way differently than most people. As my dear Daniel said, I now have a key that can help answer some questions.
The other part of me wonders what to do now. Can I still be an effective pastor?
I will be meeting with the psychologist for a few more times to now deal with the diagnosis and go from there. The good thing is I now know my weirdness has a name.
I'm not an idiot, just autistic. :)
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sunday Sermon- May 18, 2008
“E Pluribus Unum”
Matthew 28:19-20, II Corinthians 13:11-13
May 18, 2008 (Trinity Sunday)
Lake Harriet Christian Church
Minneapolis, MN
As some of you know and are probably well sick of me telling you, I love science-fiction. What I love about this genre is that it present modern problems in futuristic garb. And I know that are also know and are sick of me telling you that I love Star Trek for especially, that reason. The groundbreaking television series, with a multicultural cast, dealt with many modern issues, such as war, racism, drugs, sexism and other topics. In the late 80s Star Trek came back to television in the version of Star Trek: The Next Generation. With a new series came new enemies. In the original television series, we had the Romulans and the Klingons. In the new series, we had an even more menacing villain: the Borg.
The Borg are a race of beings half-humanoid, half-android. There is no such thing as individuality or uniqueness among the Borg. They are soulless beings that work as one. They fly around in a ship that looks like giant cube and their job is to assimilate other species into their own collective. Whenever the meet up with a ship, such as the Enterprise, they “greet” their soon to be prey with these words: “We are Borg. Lower your shields. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile.”
Today, the first Sunday after Pentecost, is commonly called Trinity Sunday, the day we remember the concept of God as Three in One; God the Father or Mother, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. This is always an odd day for Christians and for those of us who are part of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in particular. For one thing, this is day devoted not to something in the Bible, but to doctrine, something that came along long after the Bible was written. For Disciples, this is also perplexing, because most of our founders were not considered what some would call Trinitarians. Because people like Barton Stone and Alexander Campbell placed an emphasis on restoring the church to what it was in the first century and because the word “trinity” is not found in the Bible, they did not place a whole lot of emphasis on it. That's not to say they didn't believe in God the Son or God the Holy Spirit, it's just that they wouldn't call that Trinity, nor would they make that a precursor for someone to become part of a faith community.
So, what do we do with this day? Do we ignore it? We could do that. But I think that there is still much to be mined from this day and from the Trinity. I think there is much to learn about who God is and how we can be church in this world. I think the Trinity is less of a doctrine that one must believe than a way to live life.
Now today's texts have nothing to do with the Trinity. I am not going to try to say they uphold the doctrine of the Trinity, because no one was thinking in those terms yet. But they do give some clues about God and about us.
In the closing chapters of Matthew, Jesus tells his disciples to go and teach and baptize in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He also tells them that he will always be with them until time ends.
Paul ends his second letter to his problem church in Corinth by saying that they should put their affairs in order, be agreeable with each other and greet each other with a holy kiss. And then he ends by saying a phrase that I know that I have heard often: “The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with all of you.”
The scriptures today remind us that we have a job to do. Jesus calls us to go into all the world and make disciples. Not make church goers, but disciples: people who will be followers of Jesus, not simply pew sitters. This text is commonly called the Great Commission many a pastor has preached on this text, to tell people to go and tell others about the Good News of Jesus. Congregations are urged to tell people about Jesus and pastors and churches get busy in the work of evangelism. There is nothing wrong with this, provided we don't forget what else Jesus is saying here. We are to go and make disciples and also teach and baptize. We are called to help others understand the ways of Jesus and what it means that God loves us. And we are called to baptize, to formally welcome them into the larger faith community and into the life of being a follower of Jesus.
This seems like a tall order. How can we do this all? The sad fact is that many churches and pastors get involved in trying to be Christ in the world, and forget to take Christ with them. Jesus tells his disciples that he will be with them and God will be a work along with us as we preach, teach and baptize. It is not all on our shoulders. Christ is with us working in the lives of others and sustaining us when the road is long and hard.
If Jesus is giving us a charge of action, Paul is giving us a charge of character. Paul is telling the Corinthians to be in agreement with each other. Now, at first blush, this seems to mean that all the Corinthians must think the same way. The sad thing is that throughout church history, followers of Jesus have decided that everyone must have the same beliefs. People were forced out of churches for not sharing the same views on things as everyone else. That is not what Paul is saying here. Instead, Paul is saying we should not be divisive, or to put it in another way, to disagree without being disagreeable. He then ends it with the “trinitarian greeting.” What interesting here is that within God there is difference and yet unity. The love of God, the grace of Jesus, the communion of the Holy Spirit. Three different aspects of God and yet the same God, all in agreement.
As I said, the Trinity isn't a doctrine to be believed. But I do think it is a way of life to be lived. Within God is diversity. Father/Mother God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. Some people refer to the Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer. When Paul tells the Corinthians to be in agreement, he wasn't calling for them to think the same and be the same. He was calling for this community to be united and yet different.
That is what we are called to be today. We all come here with as unique individuals. We all come from different backgrounds, with different life experiences and different religious and political beliefs. What binds us together, is the love of God, the grace of Jesus and the communion of the Holy Spirit. The church is called to be a place where there is diversity in every way imaginable and yet there is unity as well.
The fact is, the world sorely needs to hear this message. We live in a world where there is a spirit of sameness that is afraid of difference. We sort ourselves out into Republicans and Democrats, straight and gay, black and white and so on. We like to be in communities where everyone things like we do. In a way we are like the Borg, wanting to have a community where difference is not tolerated.
But God is calling us to be a place where we are different. We are called to be a place where we have a common purpose and goal, but where we are different as God is different.
The thing is, this diverse and yet unifying God is with us everywhere. We are reminded of God the Creator in the beauty of creation, we see God the Redeemer, when we receive communion and know that we are loved, no matter what. We see God the Sustainer, when when this diverse bunch of people gather together every Sunday to worship and bear each others burdens. God is with is, God is around us, and God is in us. We are never truly alone and we are called to be welcoming to all we meet.
You don't have to believe in the Trinity. But I do think it is a lesson in how we are to be church: we are to be a community that knows God is with us and that is welcoming to all, even those people that are very different from us.
The fictional Borg, like to say “resistance is futile.” But I think in a world that demands conformity, we can respond with the old Latin phrase, “e pluribus unum,” out of many one. Out of many ways of being, we are united in Christ.
Maybe resistance isn't so futile after all. Thanks be to God. Amen.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Thinking Outside the Box
Last night at church, one of our oldest and wisest members came up to me after prayer service. "Have you ever thought of going to Iowa?" he said. I had thought he meant to work at a church in Iowa since there are more Disciples churches there than in Minnesota. He then told me he meant working on Regional staff and then talked about my working with the Presbytery and the about the whole new church movement in the Region.
Now, a year ago, I would have laughed at the notion of me on a Regional staff. I thought that was something you work towards, like a promotion from parish ministry or something, not something you have skills for. I still don't know if I have those skills, but I am beginning to wonder if I have the skills for parish ministry, at least as a solo or senior pastor. I think it's becoming apparent that these are not my strongest skills. Whether or not I have Aspergers, I do know that the "people skills" needed for a solo pastor are not there. I could probably do okay as an associate pastor doing a specific task, like mission or Christian Formation, but not as a solo pastor.
Even though I have a heart for new church plants, I know that I don't have the skills for that, either. I tried, but you really need to be a people person that can go out there and meet new people, and I'm not good at that. It's kinda terrifying to me, to be honest. I definitely could work as part of a team and could work behind the scenes, but not as the fearless leader.
So, then what can I do? Do I give up being an ordained pastor? Maybe, but maybe not. I mean, I do believe I was called to ministry. But maybe I'm not the typical pastor. Maybe I have to think outside of the box, and since I tend to be blessed (or cursed) with that gift. I do have skills in communications, so maybe work in the Region teaching churches to be better communicators has promise. Or coordinating missions between churches. Or working with a team of people to plant a new church.
A while back, a dear friend said my current job was a ministry. I was kinda peeved when he said that, because I really love to preach and do worship. But I think he does have a point. And working at a regional or presbytery level doesn't mean I won't ever preach or do other things ever again. It would just mean looking at ministry in a different way.
I still would love to plant a church or work in a existing church in someway. But I have to consider things in light of my limitations be they Asperger's or not. It doesn't mean I can't do these things, it just means that I can do them in the way other people can, because I'm not other people.
This whole call thing has been a very strange journey. It will be interesting to see where it leads.
Now, a year ago, I would have laughed at the notion of me on a Regional staff. I thought that was something you work towards, like a promotion from parish ministry or something, not something you have skills for. I still don't know if I have those skills, but I am beginning to wonder if I have the skills for parish ministry, at least as a solo or senior pastor. I think it's becoming apparent that these are not my strongest skills. Whether or not I have Aspergers, I do know that the "people skills" needed for a solo pastor are not there. I could probably do okay as an associate pastor doing a specific task, like mission or Christian Formation, but not as a solo pastor.
Even though I have a heart for new church plants, I know that I don't have the skills for that, either. I tried, but you really need to be a people person that can go out there and meet new people, and I'm not good at that. It's kinda terrifying to me, to be honest. I definitely could work as part of a team and could work behind the scenes, but not as the fearless leader.
So, then what can I do? Do I give up being an ordained pastor? Maybe, but maybe not. I mean, I do believe I was called to ministry. But maybe I'm not the typical pastor. Maybe I have to think outside of the box, and since I tend to be blessed (or cursed) with that gift. I do have skills in communications, so maybe work in the Region teaching churches to be better communicators has promise. Or coordinating missions between churches. Or working with a team of people to plant a new church.
A while back, a dear friend said my current job was a ministry. I was kinda peeved when he said that, because I really love to preach and do worship. But I think he does have a point. And working at a regional or presbytery level doesn't mean I won't ever preach or do other things ever again. It would just mean looking at ministry in a different way.
I still would love to plant a church or work in a existing church in someway. But I have to consider things in light of my limitations be they Asperger's or not. It doesn't mean I can't do these things, it just means that I can do them in the way other people can, because I'm not other people.
This whole call thing has been a very strange journey. It will be interesting to see where it leads.
Jobs, Vocation and the Like
In two days, I will be evaluated on having Aspergers or not. I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing. There is a part of me that has sensed in my gut that this is me and part of me that wonders if I am just making this all up. Some friends have seen aspects of Aspergers in me and others see nothing.
At times, I feel like a hypochondriac. But I guess part of me wants to have some way to understand my life . Why was it so hard for me to find meaningful work? Why am I not good at interviewing? Why has my job history been so crazy? Why has my calling as a pastor been so unfulfilling? Why has dating been so hard for me?
For a long time, I have blamed myself or have wondered if this was just racism. But I think there is more going on here. At least, I wonder.
I remember my first pastoral position as a youth minister. I remember how horrible that went. Whenever I went to talk to the Senoir Pastor, I would come into the room while she was working and remained silent until she looked up at me. For some reason, that bothered her and she noted it on several occasions. For me, it made no sense to just come into a room and start talking, so I would wait until she was ready.
It was also hard for me to really connect with the youth. Actually, it's hard to connect with people period. It's not for lack of trying or not caring, it's just difficult- it always has been. The gladhanding that is in some cases a part of being a minister, is just not there for me and I don't see the need for it.
And I think that has got me into trouble. I'm learning that being able to be sociable helps pastors and can cover a mulitiude of sins. Since I don't seem tohave that skill, it has only highlighted my sins.
So, it sounds bad, but I do hope I have Aspergers. It might help shed light on things and help me to determine where to go from here.
At times, I feel like a hypochondriac. But I guess part of me wants to have some way to understand my life . Why was it so hard for me to find meaningful work? Why am I not good at interviewing? Why has my job history been so crazy? Why has my calling as a pastor been so unfulfilling? Why has dating been so hard for me?
For a long time, I have blamed myself or have wondered if this was just racism. But I think there is more going on here. At least, I wonder.
I remember my first pastoral position as a youth minister. I remember how horrible that went. Whenever I went to talk to the Senoir Pastor, I would come into the room while she was working and remained silent until she looked up at me. For some reason, that bothered her and she noted it on several occasions. For me, it made no sense to just come into a room and start talking, so I would wait until she was ready.
It was also hard for me to really connect with the youth. Actually, it's hard to connect with people period. It's not for lack of trying or not caring, it's just difficult- it always has been. The gladhanding that is in some cases a part of being a minister, is just not there for me and I don't see the need for it.
And I think that has got me into trouble. I'm learning that being able to be sociable helps pastors and can cover a mulitiude of sins. Since I don't seem tohave that skill, it has only highlighted my sins.
So, it sounds bad, but I do hope I have Aspergers. It might help shed light on things and help me to determine where to go from here.
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