Waiting for the Ax to Fall

It's been nearly three months on the job as the Associate and so far, so good. It has been a pleasant experience.

At least it should be.

You see, at times old tapes play in my mind. If I make a mistake, I keep waiting for someone to chew me out, to yell at me for crossing some line or stepping on someone's toes.

I think this because it has happened before and the repeated experiences left me feeling at times like a scared puppy.

But nothing like this has happened at the church so far. Part of that comes from knowing more about myself. In the past, I would charge in and do something, which would then end up pissing people off because I had crossed some invisible boundary that I didn't know existed. I think it was that Aspie trait of lack of common sense that would get me in trouble. But lately, I've been more willing to take my time and ask people questions before just doing something.

But the other half might just be finding grace in church. The other day I grumbled about forgetting something, beating myself up for being so stupid. "That's okay," the Senior Pastor said. "We're all human."

It's funny that sometimes the place where we find the least grace is in church. But in many of my experiences over the years, church is the last place where one can be human and live under grace. So, it was shocking to hear grace being bestowed on me...in a church.

That doesn't mean that I don't deal with fear. But maybe over time, I can trust that there is grace, both here and in heaven.