What Does It Say About Us?

I wrote the following piece in my other blog called NeoMugwump. I thought I would share it here.

Two events on the same day reminded me how screwed up we are these days. The first was the reaction to Rev. Jerry Fawell's death on Tuesday. That same evening, almost all of the GOP contenders for the presidential nomination seemed to endorse using torture in the War on Terror. Concerning Fawell, it was disturbing to see how many people in the gay community were downright mean concerning his death. It was also disturbing to see so many Republican presidential candidates (inlcuding Rudy Giuliani, my leading favorite) seem not to have a problem with using tactics like waterboarding on terror suspects.

It's interesting in this age where we are so self-reveling about every level of our lives, with blogs and services like YouTube, we don't seem to be so interested in examining our lives and how we live. We are wonderful at telling others how to live, but not so interested in wondering how we are living our own lives.

For example: torture. Many of my compatriots on the right side of the spectrum seem to not have a concern with torturing someone for information. "If it saves lives, then it's okay," they seem to think. They forget the adage that Senator John McCain, who happens to know about torture in a very intimate way, that torture does damage to our reputation more than it provides information to prevent a terrorist attack. The funny thing among a lot of conservatives is that we don't seem to care one way or another about the consequences. There is a certain amount of smugness among some on the right in that America is great, not because of how we live our lives in the world, but by who we are. America is good because it is America. That is a dangerous conotation, because it ignores the fact that people are judge as good or bad by their actions, not by who they are. Some kid in Iraq or Iran is not going to ignore how we treat prisoners. You can rest assured that someone like bin Laden will use such moral failings to prove his point that America is evil and needs to be destroyed. The GOP presidential candidates, minus McCain, are basically doing bin Laden's work.

Now to Fawell. I have to be honest and say that I didn't miss Fawell, but I didn't see his death as a good thing either. Maybe what has saddened me is to see the gay community show such gracelessness towards this death. I can understand the anger, but I have a hard time understanding the basic lack of humanity.

Many in the gay rights movement have talked about the connections between our struggle for rights and the struggle of African Americans. They leech on to the legacy to Dr. Martin Luther King and talk about our movement as the same moral struggle as the civil rights movement. As an African American and as a gay man, I can say this is complete bullcrap. My gay brothers and sisters are clueless to the true meaning of that movement. Dr. King did preach justice for African Americans and condemned those that blocked the progress of African Americans. But you know what? He also loved those same people. He loved them enough to believe they could be redeemed. His Christian faith taught him to seek the wholeness of both the oppressor and the oppressed.

Sadly, most gays and lesbians do not show the same grace that King and many African Americans did back in the 50s and 60s to those that hated them. Instead of showing love when one hates, we have decided to hate them as much they hate us. We celebrate when they die.

Dr. King was working for the redemption of America. He saw racism as this nation's original sin, and wanted to find ways to not only bring freedom for African Americans, but to heal the entire land. His nonviolent campaign of love is responsible for the change that has happened in our society. No, racial progress hasn't been easy, but it has happened.

Frankly gay people need to learn to care for those that oppose us. No that isn't easy. But we need to have more pity for them than hate. I am more sorrowful that Rev. Fawell never understood that we gays were not the threat he thought we were, than scornful of him. True justice won't happen, by "winning" against the far right, but by urging them to repent. Love, seeing the enemy as a human being loved by God or whatever higher being, is what changes society. Storing up wounds does nothing but hurt us.

In both cases, people need to do some introspection. We are not righteous in our own being. We are judged by how we live our lives. Yes, terrorists and bigots are judged, but so are we. Torturing someone, or rejoicing in the death of someone you don't like says a lot more about your moral character than it does your enemy.

The Bible states that we need to look at the planks in our own eyes instead of the specs in our brother's eyes. It's time for gays and conservatives to do some heavy-duty introspection, to save their own souls.

Thoughts from a Fixer

I've come to realize something about myself: that I like to fix things.

No, I am not talking about fixing something around the house, but I want to fix problems that people or churches are facing. I see something wrong or someone in pain and I feel compelled to do something to stop whatever is going wrong in their lives.

Just today, I wanted to offer a solution to stop something from happening. If this problem isn't "fixed" then someone will have to leave their job, something that they love. I don't want to see them leave, and want to do something to stop it. My partner, Daniel, asked some questions that made my perfect plan of fixing the issue go up in smoke. I was mad because I was afraid that if nothing was done, then this person would leave and things would go to hell.

And maybe they will. And maybe that's not a bad thing.

I've been thinking lately that maybe, things have to fall apart at times, that things have to "die" for change to happen. It's kind of like an alcoholic hitting bottom.

In a way, I've been an enabler, trying to keep something broken running along. Maybe it needs to fall apart because it's broken anyway.

And yet, that's hard. You don't want to see someone in pain, as this community will be when this person that has been so intergral to their life leaves. But sometimes, pain can be good. Sometimes hitting rock bottom can be good, because all the illusions we had are stripped away. We now have to deal with reality.

So what does this have to do with things religious? Well, I don't Jesus came to "fix" things. He came to save us, which doesn't mean protect us, but heal us. That means we have to realize that we are broken to begin with. Things are not okay.

I think I have a lot more to contemplate on this issue of fixing and healing. More to come later.

Frustrated Pastor, Indeed

I decided to google the words, "frustrated pastor" and came up with this interesting blog post about a young guy in LA who is not very happy about the situation that he finds himself in. The writer says:

The sad thing is how many people like Eric I meet on a regular basis …men and women with apostolic fervor and passion desperately thrashing around to find their niche in ministry. And all too many have been led to believe that the only path they can travel to fulfill God’s calling on their lives is pastoral ministry in a local church setting. How tragic.

Sounds familiar, though I want to work in a local church setting to empower people to do mission. The writer continues:

Until Eric and those like him find their niche in apostolic entities where they can thrive, move beyond maintenance to missionality, and be cut loose to see their vision soar, their lives will be models of frustration with a numbing lack of meaning.

Eddie Gibbs notes that 50% of those who graduate from American seminaries and who eventually end up in pastoral ministry drop out within ten years. My guess is that an uncomfortable percentage of that number is made up of the Erics of this world.

After all that has happened in my life, I do wonder at times if I'm going to be a pastor in five years. I remember when I was seminary that the future seemed so bright, full of opportunities. Now, it just seems bleak and hopeless and I feel tired and worn. More often than not, I have wondered if it is even worthwhile to stay in ministry. It seems fruitless at times.

At the end, Sam Metcalfe (that's the writer's name), concludes:

So to Eric and other like him, there is hope. You’re not crazy. You’re not a rebel. There is nothing “wrong” with you. May God lead you to right apostolic entity in the days ahead where you can make your ultimate contribution to the Kingdom.

There are times that I wonder if something is wrong with me. I do hope Sam is correct that things are not hopeless.

For the longest time, I've had a passion to do ministry. As a dear friend has said, it seems like I am ready to burst. The sad thing is that I don't really have a viable channel for it. I tried with a new church plant, and that didn't really work out. So, I need to find something, but I need to find a place where that can happen. Whether I can find that place remains to be seen.

God With Us

This has been a hard weekend for me emotionally. I've been trying to figure out a lot of things about my vocation. Come September, I will have been an ordained minister in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) for five years. It hasn't been a easy five years. I think for quite sometime, I've been trying to find ways to be useful. I think I have done a lot of good, and yet there is this sense that I am not working at my full potential.

Add to this, is all the struggles concerning Community of Grace, the new church start. I feel pulled between wanting to continue this venture and feeling tired and bitter at how things have gone so far. There is something of a seed in this venture that I keep feeling has to germinate. While people have left, there have been others that have expressed interest. Jim, the one person who has stayed with the church and feels it should stay open has been a beacon of faith, I just wish I had the faith he had.

I'm starting to think a lot of my frustration concerning Community of Grace comes from not praying. Now, I'm not saying prayer is magic, but I think that I got so involved in doing God's work, that I forgot God- I wasn't running on God's power.

So, I am trying to pray more regularly and read Scripture. One of the themes that has been running in life (God must be trying to say something)is this feeling that God is always with us. Today, I read this psalm from the Daily Lectionary:

Psalm 117:1-2
1Praise the LORD, all you nations!

Extol him, all you peoples!

2For great is his steadfast love towards us,

and the faithfulness of the LORD endures for ever.

Praise the LORD!

God's steadfast love is always with us. The psalm never said that God will solve our problems, but that God is always with us. Now, I would love if God would solve my dilema. I wish that more people would come to CoG. I wish that I could feel more fulfulled as a pastor. But I might have to deal with those things for the time being. What matters is that God is with me. I'm not alone.

God at times likes to speak in the form of musical showtunes. I'm not joking. For some reason, the song "For Now" is resonating in my head. It comes from the musical"Avenue Q," which is kind of Sesame Street meets South Park. The song talks about the fact that we may never get what we want out of life, but all things, good and bad, only last a while. In the end, we need not take life so seriously and enjoy what we have.

God is with us. Life may never be what we want, but God always there. And maybe I need to learn to not take church or being pastor so seriously. Enjoy what I have...for now.

Oh yeah, here are the lyrics:

PRINCETON:
Why does everything have to be so hard?

GARY COLEMAN:
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
Lots of people don't.

PRINCETON:
But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!

KATE MONSTER:
Well, who does, really?
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.

BRIAN:
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.

GARY COLEMAN:
Take a breath,
Look around,

BRIAN:
Swallow your pride,

KATE MONSTER:
For now...

BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:
For now...

NICKY:
Nothing lasts,

ROD:
Life goes on,

NICKY:
Full of surprises.

ROD:
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...

TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...

ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

LUCY:
For now we're healthy.

BRIAN:
For now we're employed.

BAD IDEA BEARS:
For now we're happy...

KATE MONSTER:
If not overjoyed.

PRINCETON:
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...

GARY COLEMAN:
For now...

TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...

KATE MONSTER:
For now...

ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!

Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!

NICKY:
Each time you smile...

ALL:
...Only for now

KATE MONSTER:
It'll only last a while.

ALL:
...Only for now

PRINCETON:
Life may be scary...

ALL:
...Only for now
But it's only temporary

Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba dum ba-dum
Ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
Ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-da
ohhhh-

PRINCETON:
Everything in life is only for now.

-Music and Lyrics by Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx.