Wednesday, May 10, 2006

It's Not That Bad, It's Not That Bad, It's Not That Bad...

For those of you who are new to this blog, you may not know that I'm clinically depressed. I've been on antidepressants for a few years with some good cognative therapy thrown in. When I first went on what I jokingly refer to as my "happy pills" I didn't think I was really that bad. I mean, I knew people who were really depressed, but not me.

Oh, but my best friend and housemate Erik would beg to differ.

No, I'm not the kind of person that spends the whole day in bed, and I don't go into crying spells, but I do get into those times where I either get really angry, or get really down on myself. I'm not talking about just having a bad day; I'm talking about getting stuck in the deep well that seems pretty deep.

I was having one of those days today. I can't get into all of it, but I can say it has to deal with the trials and travails of dealing with a new church. It put me into downward spiral.

It was tonight as I was talking to my boyfriend, that I realized something: in my mind I knew things weren't as bad as I thought, but my brain was forging ahead spinning out of control with dire thoughts.

That's kinda what depression can be for me: I know that things aren't so bad, but it's like my brain in hard-wired to think the worst and it's hard to get out of that.

So, I'm trying to use some cognative therapy and tell myself things aren't that bad. I also told my boyfriend to remind me that things aren't so bad. That isn't easy, but it might help the grey matter see things differently.

So I'm trying to do that, and I am feeling a bit better.

Why am I telling you this? I don't know. Maybe to let you know what it's like to live with depression. And maybe to show that we pastors don't have it all together. Most of the time we are barely keep it from flying apart. If there is anything I want to show is that pastors are unbelieveably human. Too often pastors act like they have to be perfect when all that God wants from us is to live in God's forgiveness and share that with others.

Nope, it's not that bad.

And that's good.

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