What's been on my mind lately is friendship and how bad I suck at it.
Every since I can remember, I've never been good at making and keeping friends. I look at other folks and the ease at which they meet people and wonder what's their secret. Looking back, I know that a lot the difficulty was due to being autistic. I don't want to make it sound like an excuse, it's just that the way my brain works makes it a bit more of a challenge to meet other people.
That said, it's not like I've tried. Sometimes I think I come on too strong and sometimes not strong enough. Either I freak people out by being too earnest or I ignore the little signs that are important in any type of relationship.
It's funny that over the last few years, especially after my diagnosis, I kinda stopped trying to make friends. It's like a part of me just decided to quit trying.
Of course, if I stop then I don't learn.
The thing is, I would like to try again, even if it means I keep getting it wrong. And I'd like to try to tend to the friendships I have, even if I get that wrong. This all has the tinge of being like Data from Star Trek in that like our android friend, I keep trying to be human even though I screw up over and over.
Frankly, I wish there were some book that told you how to make friends. It always seems like everyone else has the secret code or something that I don't have and I'm trying to figure things out by trial and error.
And if there's also a book on how to handle this whole relationship/love thing with your husband, please let me know.