Saturday, August 23, 2008

Looking for the "Door"

I'm trying really hard to not make this a "pity post."

Unbeknownst to my husband, I was thinking a lot today about my vocation and if this was where I belong. The last six years haven't been filled with successes: I was let go from two jobs as a youth pastor, started a church which flamed out, and have left a lot of people upset with me. Doors haven't been opening for me in the way of calls or other opportunities.

Some say that if I move to another part of the country, then things will be better. Maybe. But that's something I need to talk about with Daniel and he just started a new job. Also, will a change of location really make things better? Sometimes we just end up bringing our problems with us.

Some of the behavior that has caused so much mishaps has been because of my Aspergers, I know that now. I don't think that keeps one out of the ministry, but it can make difficult.

I guess, it's just after so many years of not seeing doors opening, of not feeling affirmed in ministry, I am wondering if this is a message that God doesn't want me here. I don't know.

All I do know is that tonight I felt sadness, a sadness of feeling like I've failed and that there is no chance for redemption.

Not all is bleak, though, I have enjoyed my time as the Communications Specialist for the Presbytery of the Twin Cities Area and I've received a lot of affirmation there. I've been doing other religious media work for my own denomination and also starting to branch out. It's all good, it's just that it's not what I had planned for.

Maybe this is the Door. If it is, it wasn't the one I expected or hoped for.

But then again, it may only be a resting place until the Door opens. Who knows?

Did I keep this from becoming a "pity post?"

1 comment:

Kimberly said...

Oscar, I am also a pastor, and have self-diagnosed aspberger's, based on a number of online tools.

I would really like to talk with you. I'm not sure how this works in terms of getting in touch. I am hesitant to post my email or phone number on the web, for obvious reasons.

Hang in there.