a+b=h

I really hate waiting. Several years ago,my friend Scott noted that I tend to have a bit of a linear way of thinking: that is, I tend to think a + b =c. Thing is, life doesn't always work that way and in my life it certainly doesn't happen that way AT ALL.

But I keep expecting it to.

When I graduated from seminary a few years ago, I expected to find a church and be a pastor. That hasn't happened the way I expected. So, because I so wanted to be a pastor, I worked to create a church. It worked for a while, but in the end, I created something in name only that had no true community.

At the same time that I had this supposed drive to be a pastor in a church, I also had some fear of being a pastor. I had seen someone who modeled being a minister rather poorly and in some way, I internalized this fear of being like this person. So, I took jobs in churches that were really not suited for me, because I wanted to be in the church, but afraid of the whole pastor thing.

Right now, with Community of Grace gone the way of the dodo and no prospects of open pulpits in the near future,I am in this ambiguous time and of course, being a linear, logical person, this just drives me batty. I get restless because I am not doing anything, at least it seems. Then there is there fear that nothing will ever change, that all that I have worked for will be for naught and that God is pulling a some sick joke on me.

I've had some good conversations with two women that have helped me. One said I need to intentional in what I want: which in my view is a called position in a church. She figured out my fears about being called and that I have to be honest in what I truly want. The other woman is another pastor friend that told me that I need to believe in myself because people can smell desparation.

So, I need to face my fears and that's the hard thing. I've had a few expereinces before and just after ordination where I was viewed in a poor light. I think all the experiences took a hit to my psyche. And they still do, because I don't know if the people in the pews really like me. It's a fear that I constantly deal with. It's not all in my head- in true Minnesota nice fashion, I have people be nice to me in my face and talk about me behind my back.

But regardless of what they think, I have to believe that I can do this, and I can. I can preach and teach. I can lead worship and I know I can be pastoral when the time is right.

But I still have to wait and that can take a toll on self-esteem because as time passes, you wonder why people are ignoring you or so it seems.

I know that when I have to wait, I start looking for things to do. Recently I've been asked about helping to start another church again and I've been working with the this Lutheran pastor-cautiously. At first I thought this might be God working, but what if it is just me wanting to do something. The negative reactions of two people close to me have me wondering. Maybe I need to tell this person, no way and just sit and wait?

I don't know. I do feel excited to do something. I have this dream (or vision) of creating some kind of emergent community that had good worship along with my Lutheran pastor friend's small groups/house church. It's still in a dream stage right now. Will it happen? I dunno.

Life was supposed to be sooooo much simpler...